Regrets, I’ve had a few
But then again, too few to mention
I did what I had to do and saw it through without exemption
I planned each charted course, each careful step along the byway
And more, much more than this, I did it my way
-Me (by way of creating Sinatra)
Dear God, it’s Me, God.
I’ve got to get something off my infinite chest. I’ve made a few mistakes. Not the least of which was claiming I’m perfect. That really paints a guy in a corner. Trust me. To err is human, but to not err? So Boring. So, I’m going to confess a few of my favorite mistakes to myself, say a few Hail Mommy’s and move on.
Full disclosure: St. Isidore of Perpetual Upgrades gave me this Ipad. I hope it’s secure, it just feels so light compared to the tablets I’m used to writing on…
Mistake #1: Women’s Rights.
Letting people describe me with the male pronoun was my first mistake. What was I thinking? That sends a message. In terms of creation, it’s pretty insulting that I made Woman after I made Man. I would have reversed the order, but Eve would have just kept telling me I was making him wrong! Hey-O! Also, there really are other metaphors that I can use to describe my love for the church other than patriarchal society. Anyway, I’m just not sure why I didn’t explain to the Israelites that women were just as intelligent and capable as men. I mean, I had to make sure they ate animals that had cloven hooves and ruminated, sure. But that doesn’t mean I had to leave off that they should treat women as peers. Really though, and you’ll have to trust me when I say this, 4,000 years of inequality goes by really fast.
Mistake #2: Genocide.
Why was I for this so much? In my defense, though, those Midianites were complete dicks. But even I was a little taken aback when Moses went all Dread Pirate Roberts “no survivors” on them (as I wrote about in Numbers 31). He was just taking my lead though, so, in the end, I had to let it go. You don’t pull a pitcher on a perfect game, and you don’t pull your prophet putting Jericho-ians on a pike.
Mistake #3: Slavery
This one looks bad. I get it. This one’s on me. But it’s hard to explain. It just sort of happened. I mean, I’ve already essentially sequestered women to a slave state and made “foreign” people morally acceptable to murder. What am I going to do? Get mad that they made them indentured servants? As you can see, I didn’t have a lot of room to maneuver on this one. It would have looked hypocritical. That, sir, I will not do. Plus, I like to think it had a lot to do with the economy of the time, lack of currency, etc.
Mistake #4: One Nation
I know I’m omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent. Everyone knows that. But what people don’t know about me is that I’m a bit of a homebody. I like to really settle down in one of the all places where I live. I’m really just a Cush potato at heart. I guess I could have appeared to some other peoples, burned some other bushes, but I like to just ride with the one nation who loves me the most. America….you are on notice. Prop 8? More like Prop “ain’t” gonna be hanging out here much longer!
I’m going to have to thank myself for creating St. Isidore and making him the saint of technology. This Ipad is fun. What’s this Angry Birds “app”….oh! Thank me for inventing physics! And the birds, and the catapults to shoot them, and……
-jon no h