RSS Feed

Today’s Bible Lesson: Noah, The Ark, and a Crapload of Eggs

Posted on

Today I’d like to piggy-back somewhat off yesterday’s blog. This seems like a good time to let our readers know that there are two of us here blogging on Jesus Christ, Pooperstar. Jon wrote yesterday’s blog, and I wrote the initial two before that. Together we’re going to be battling God on a day-to-day basis in a handicap match. It’ll be myself, Jon, and basic reason on one side. On the other side will be God, Allah, Jesus, Shiva, Zoroaster, and all the flawed logic, psychological and social pressure, and empty threats they can muster. We hope you enjoy reading us as we take on all comers here. We invite you to join in the fight in the comments and emails, regardless of which side you’re on.

 

Jon did a great job priming us for our trip to the Creation Museum in northeast Kentucky. I want to continue on that note. So join me as we dig into a Bible study. Today, we’ll be studying the first chapter of the story of Noah. This is the King James Version of Genesis Chapter 6:1-22. As we know from yesterday’s post, dinosaurs were not wiped out in the flood. They were spared, just like all other creatures, to randomly die out on their own within the following few thousand years. Because of this, I’ve taken the liberty of adding appropriate text to include the dinosaurs we know were a major part of this story. That text is in BLUE. In addition, my own personal commentary is in RED. Enjoy.

The Sy-fy channel’s movie based on this story is called “Dinosaur Boat.”

[1] And it came to pass, when men began to multiply on the face of the earth, hiding deep within caves and huddled together in great fear of the great and awful lizard monsters everywhere, and daughters were born unto them,
[2] That the sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were fair; and they took them wives of all which they chose.
[3] And the LORD said, My spirit shall not always strive with man, for that he also is flesh: yet his days shall be an hundred and twenty years, provided his delicious flesh be not fodder for the gargantuan monsters I created, as is often the case. [4] There were giants (Yes, giants.) in the earth in those days; and also after that, when the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men, and they bare children to them, the same became mighty men which were of old, men of renown. (I didn’t change that part. That’s ACTUALLY IN THERE. If you’re a christian, go back and read that again. You believe that.) [5] And GOD saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. He was taking for granted the world full of lizard monsters and giant hairy elephants, and giant monster-men, and sabre-tooth cats that GOD had provided him.
[6] And it repented the LORD that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart. He much preferred the Dinosaurs. They were amazing and cool and he couldn’t stop playing with them and making them fight. He wished constantly he had put the souls in them and not men.
[7] And the LORD said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; for it repenteth me that I have made them. Nothing is even close to being as cool as these dinosaurs are. Yes, I am sick of everything I created. I’m going to destroy it all. Except two of everything. And then those two of everything will repopulate the earth. And it will somehow randomly work out and be different. (Or everything will just be the same. God destroyed the world because people were bad, and this was supposed to fix it. Does anyone ever question why it didn’t fix anything? Why people were still bad? And ARE NOW still bad? This is a documented case in the Bible of God murdering millions of people for a specific purpose and it NOT working out.)
[8] But Noah found grace in the eyes of the LORD.
[9] These are the generations of Noah: Noah was a just man and perfect in his generations, and Noah walked with God. (Or God carried him around the beach like a creeper. Scholars are unsure.)
[10] And Noah begat three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japheth.
[11] The earth also was corrupt before God, and the earth was filled with violence. (That God had nothing to do with of course. He created a world that with a single bite from a single apple would devolve into being FULL of violence and would be REVOLTING in his eyes. But it’s not as if HE bit the apple. Right? Right?)
[12] And God looked upon the earth, and, behold, it was corrupt; for all flesh (that he created) had corrupted his way upon the earth. (Not unlike a Kardashian making herself a pita, and then whining “I don’t even WANT this anymore… eeeeeeehhhhhh… Here Lamar, feed it to the Corgi… eeeehhhhh…”)
[13] And God said unto Noah, The end of all flesh is come before me; for the earth is filled with violence through them; and, behold, I will destroy them with the earth. (And none of this is on me, Noah.)
[14] Make thee an ark of gopher wood; rooms shalt thou make in the ark, and shalt pitch it within and without with pitch.
[15] And this is the fashion which thou shalt make it of: The length of the ark shall be three hundred cubits, the breadth of it fifty cubits, and the height of it thirty cubits. Leave a lot of room for giant dinosaur eggs. As long as I’m being very specific with this instruction, make holders for the eggs, so they don’t roll around and break when the seas get rough. Yes, the key to this whole thing will be the eggs.
[16] A window shalt thou make to the ark, and in a cubit shalt thou finish it above; and the door of the ark shalt thou set in the side thereof; with lower, second, and third stories shalt thou make it. Egg holders on all three levels. There are thousands of species of dinosaurs and we must save them all. Noah, I can’t stress this enough: There’s going to be a LOT of eggs on this boat.
[17] And, behold, I, even I, do bring a flood of waters upon the earth, to destroy all flesh, wherein is the breath of life, from under heaven; and every thing that is in the earth shall die. (Except of course for the two representatives of each species, who will redo everything exactly like the first time we did this and it will all randomly fix this mess. The Flood was God’s way of powerdown/powerupping his router.
[18] But with thee will I establish my covenant; and thou shalt come into the ark, thou, and thy sons, and thy wife, and thy sons’ wives with thee. And a buttload of eggs.
[19] And of every living thing of all flesh, two of every sort shalt thou bring into the ark, to keep them alive with thee; they shall be male and female. Bring male and female eggs. Just hold them up to the light and look for dicks, Noah… this isn’t that hard.
[20] Of fowls after their kind, and of cattle after their kind, of every creeping thing of the earth after his kind, two of every sort shall come unto thee, to keep them alive.
[21] And take thou unto thee of all food that is eaten, and thou shalt gather it to thee; and it shall be for food for thee, and for them.
[22] Thus did Noah; according to all that God commanded him, so did he.

Will Noah find all the animals of the world including penguins and sea gulls, and fire ants, and mountain goats? Will the Woolly Mammoths keep to themselves? What about the thousands of eggs? What will become of them? Join us next time on “Dinosaur Boat!” to find out.

 

-John

Advertisements

About John Hammon

I'm 34, I like pop-culture, sports, and history.

5 responses »

    • AND THIS IS WHY JESUS WAS BROUGHT TO EARTH TO BRING PEOPLE BACK TO GOD, HE WAS UTTERLY DISGUSTED WITH HUMANS BEING INCOSIDERATE.

      Reply
  1. Pingback: YOU DECIDE IF THE END TIMES ARE REALLY HERE AS DISCRIBED BY THE BIBLE? « Christian Notions

  2. Just check out that pingback for a textbook example of an argument based on fear.

    Reply
  3. thanks for liking a post of mine and leading me here. This post was great, and all I can think of is God playing with dinosaurs like Wash on Firefly. “Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!” Rawrrrrrrrr!

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: