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Biblical Marriage: Let’s Vote on it.

Biblical Marriage:  Let’s Vote on it.

I, for one, certainly don’t want an omnipotent god to be angry at me for allowing citizens to “know” one another in a loving committed way.  So, the only fair thing to do is vote for the concept of biblical marriage.  But before we vote, I think it behooves us to examine our terms.  What does Biblical Marriage look like exactly?  We need some ground rules. Ten Commandments, if you will…

Rule 1: Divorce should be Illegal.

  • Gen. 2:24; Matt. 19:5; Mark 10:7; 1 Cor. 7:10-11, 27, Luke 16:18; Mark 10:11-12

Rule 2:  Husbands have authority over Wives. (Analogy:  God=Men, Humans=Women)

  • Gen. 3:16; 1 Cor. 11:3, 7-9; Eph. 5:23, 1 Pet. 3:7

Rule 3:  Widows under 60 years old must remarry (and I assume miraculously) have children or they will turn to Satan and become busybodies.

  • 1 Timothy 5:11-15

Rule 4:  Childless widows must marry their brother-in-laws.

  • Deut 25:5; Matt. 22:24

Rule 5:  Women suspected of cheating must drink evil cursed water that damages their genitals.

  • Numbers 5:11-31 

Rule 6:  Women not virgins at marriage are to be murdered.  (In this way, only very short marriages of non-virgins are allowed.)

  •  Deut. 22:14-21

Rule 7:  Women who are divorced from their first husband, and marry a second husband, and are divorced by the second husband can never remarry the first husband.  (This law applies to no one as it violates Rule #1).

  • Deut. 24:1-4

Rule 8:  Anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.  (This violates both laws #7 and #1.  However, I believe these cancel each other out. Making Rule 8 valid.)

  • Matt. 5:32

Rule 9:  During wartimes, men can kidnap any women that they want to marry.  As a favor to them, lock them up for one month before the marriage is made final.  (Back out at any time, but don’t sell her, as that would be cruel.)

  •  Deut. 21:10-14

Rule 10:  Men can have multiple wives, mistresses, and slaves.

  • Exodus 21:10, Deuteronomy 21:15-17, really any major OT character

Bonus Rule (to replace Rule 7 which is invalid due to technicality)  No interracial marriage!

  • Gen. 28:6; Exod. 34:15-16; Num. 25:6-11; Deut. 7:1-3; Josh. 23:12-13; Judges 3:5-8; 1 Kings 11:1-2; Ezra 9:1-2, 12; Ezra 10:2-3, 10-11; Neh. 10:30; Neh. 13:25-27

So what do you say?  Let’s vote for biblical marriage in America.  In this economy, we can’t afford to turn our back on god.  You know how he gets when he’s jealous.  Because at this rate, he’s surely going to make us drink the metaphorical genital shrinking water of economic recession (or the metaphorical economic recession of genital shrinking…one can never be sure).

-Jon no H


About jesuschristpooperstar

Just a couple of bros.

6 responses »

  1. I’d like to know what accounting firm will be auditing the vote count. If you can’t decide which firm just watch the Pick 4 live and they’ll tell you who they use.

    • It certainly won’t be whoever David Stern uses. I’m still mad at him…

      • And with the first two picks in the 2013 NBA Draft, The New York Knicks select Adam and Steve! (Big shocker there, Marv, I thought Eve was a lock to go in that two spot. Just the kind of wackiness you expect on draft night…)

        In all seriousness, this is what bothers me: It’s evident that modern believers tend to pick and choose what is and is not meant to be taken literally. For some reason, while all scripture is god-breathed, whatever that means, some of it clearly seems to be more god-breathed than others.

        What then does it say about the church and modern believers that they choose to not let homosexuals off the hook on the verses that condemn them? It seems the church wants this battle. I stop short of saying they want to hate. Maybe I shouldn’t. But I think that believers don’t want to hate. I do however think they need outsiders to reinforce their belonging to the club, though. A strong “THEM” gives you a good strong “US.” I think it’s one of the “fangs” of religion.

        Nicely done, man. It’s impressive what you’re capable of without the benefit of an H.

        -John with an H.

  2. Reblogged this on Conflicting Thoughts and commented:
    Sucks to your assmar Biblical Marriage.

    • Thanks for the advertisement! I THINK I’m reading correctly that you got what we were saying and you’re on board. I need to google “assmar” but I’ll put you down as “pro-pooperstar.”


  3. Pingback: » Making “Biblical” Marriage the Law of the Land Let's Get Political in Billerica

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