I, for one, certainly don’t want an omnipotent god to be angry at me for allowing citizens to “know” one another in a loving committed way. So, the only fair thing to do is vote for the concept of biblical marriage. But before we vote, I think it behooves us to examine our terms. What does Biblical Marriage look like exactly? We need some ground rules. Ten Commandments, if you will…
Rule 1: Divorce should be Illegal.
- Gen. 2:24; Matt. 19:5; Mark 10:7; 1 Cor. 7:10-11, 27, Luke 16:18; Mark 10:11-12
Rule 2: Husbands have authority over Wives. (Analogy: God=Men, Humans=Women)
- Gen. 3:16; 1 Cor. 11:3, 7-9; Eph. 5:23, 1 Pet. 3:7
Rule 3: Widows under 60 years old must remarry (and I assume miraculously) have children or they will turn to Satan and become busybodies.
- 1 Timothy 5:11-15
Rule 4: Childless widows must marry their brother-in-laws.
- Deut 25:5; Matt. 22:24
Rule 5: Women suspected of cheating must drink evil cursed water that damages their genitals.
- Numbers 5:11-31
Rule 6: Women not virgins at marriage are to be murdered. (In this way, only very short marriages of non-virgins are allowed.)
- Deut. 22:14-21
Rule 7: Women who are divorced from their first husband, and marry a second husband, and are divorced by the second husband can never remarry the first husband. (This law applies to no one as it violates Rule #1).
- Deut. 24:1-4
Rule 8: Anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery. (This violates both laws #7 and #1. However, I believe these cancel each other out. Making Rule 8 valid.)
- Matt. 5:32
Rule 9: During wartimes, men can kidnap any women that they want to marry. As a favor to them, lock them up for one month before the marriage is made final. (Back out at any time, but don’t sell her, as that would be cruel.)
- Deut. 21:10-14
Rule 10: Men can have multiple wives, mistresses, and slaves.
- Exodus 21:10, Deuteronomy 21:15-17, really any major OT character
Bonus Rule (to replace Rule 7 which is invalid due to technicality) No interracial marriage!
- Gen. 28:6; Exod. 34:15-16; Num. 25:6-11; Deut. 7:1-3; Josh. 23:12-13; Judges 3:5-8; 1 Kings 11:1-2; Ezra 9:1-2, 12; Ezra 10:2-3, 10-11; Neh. 10:30; Neh. 13:25-27
So what do you say? Let’s vote for biblical marriage in America. In this economy, we can’t afford to turn our back on god. You know how he gets when he’s jealous. Because at this rate, he’s surely going to make us drink the metaphorical genital shrinking water of economic recession (or the metaphorical economic recession of genital shrinking…one can never be sure).
-Jon no H