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God’s Journal 2: Regrets, I’ve had a few

Regrets, I’ve had a few
But then again, too few to mention
I did what I had to do and saw it through without exemption
I planned each charted course, each careful step along the byway
And more, much more than this, I did it my way

-Me  (by way of creating Sinatra)

Dear God, it’s Me, God.

I’ve got to get something off my infinite chest.  I’ve made a few mistakes.  Not the least of which was claiming I’m perfect.  That really paints a guy in a corner.  Trust me. To err is human, but to not err?  So Boring.  So, I’m going to confess a few of my favorite mistakes to myself, say a few Hail Mommy’s and move on.

Full disclosure: St. Isidore of Perpetual Upgrades gave me this Ipad.  I hope it’s secure, it just feels so light compared to the tablets I’m used to writing on…

Mistake #1:  Women’s Rights.

Letting people describe me with the male pronoun was my first mistake.  What was I thinking?  That sends a message.  In terms of creation, it’s pretty insulting that I made Woman after I made Man.  I would have reversed the order, but Eve would have just kept telling me I was making him wrong!  Hey-O! Also, there really are other metaphors that I can use to describe my love for the church other than patriarchal society.  Anyway, I’m just not sure why I didn’t explain to the Israelites that women were just as intelligent and capable as men.  I mean, I had to make sure they ate animals that had cloven hooves and ruminated, sure.  But that doesn’t mean I had to leave off that they should treat women as peers.  Really though, and you’ll have to trust me when I say this, 4,000 years of inequality goes by really fast.

Mistake #2:  Genocide.

Why was I for this so much?  In my defense, though, those Midianites were complete dicks.  But even I was a little taken aback when Moses went all Dread Pirate Roberts “no survivors” on them (as I wrote about in Numbers 31).  He was just taking my lead though, so, in the end, I had to let it go.  You don’t pull a pitcher on a perfect game, and you don’t pull your prophet putting Jericho-ians on a pike.

Mistake #3:  Slavery

This one looks bad.  I get it.  This one’s on me.  But it’s hard to explain. It just sort of happened.  I mean, I’ve already essentially sequestered women to a slave state and made “foreign” people morally acceptable to murder. What am I going to do?  Get mad that they made them indentured servants?  As you can see, I didn’t have a lot of room to maneuver on this one.  It would have looked hypocritical.  That, sir, I will not do.  Plus, I like to think it had a lot to do with the economy of the time, lack of currency, etc.

Mistake #4:  One Nation

I know I’m omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent.  Everyone knows that.  But what people don’t know about me is that I’m a bit of a homebody.  I like to really settle down in one of the all places where I live.  I’m really just a Cush potato at heart.  I guess I could have appeared to some other peoples, burned some other bushes, but I like to just ride with the one nation who loves me the most.  America….you are on notice.  Prop 8?  More like Prop “ain’t” gonna be hanging out here much longer!

I’m going to have to thank myself for creating St. Isidore and making him the saint of technology.  This Ipad is fun.  What’s this Angry Birds “app”….oh! Thank me for inventing physics!  And the birds, and the catapults to shoot them, and……

-jon no h


About jesuschristpooperstar

Just a couple of bros.

6 responses »

  1. God should definitely try out Bad Piggies.

  2. Wow, took me a few sentences to realize that you were speaking as the commonly accepted “God” himself. Nice.

  3. Ha ha… awesome! Love the jokes in the last paragraph. And as usual, all great points. It’s going to be lonely when believers just sort of leave us alone (already happening?) because that’s the pattern I see around me. Christians (and other believers, though we haven’t had enough interaction with them.) don’t seem to be bothered by this, and don’t seem to care to think about it OR to refute it. I want to increase the volume of my voice and just repeat the same things we’ve been saying. The Bible is misogynistic! It’s pro-genocide! Or at least 50-50. It has all of these strange messages in it and none of the messages you would expect to be there. If the Bible didn’t exist, and instead it came to you as a person espousing the beliefs held within it… would you even like that person? They’d be unsufferable, and racist, and spontaneously violent.

    Can a believer out there tell me how anything Jon just said is untrue and how it makes any sense at all that the Bible would be THIS book? How is this the book that God would give us if he could write us one book? How?

    Think about it… God is giving us a message, and it’s the main thing we’re supposed to live by. It’s full of dietary restrictions that are no longer relevant, and histories of warring tribes, and harems and concubines, and kings doing things on a whim. It would be like Abraham Lincoln standing at Gettysburg, ready to give the most important speech of his career, and then droning on for no reason about how to make the perfect western omelet and why he doesn’t trust mexicans.

    And you tell all this to the average believer… It’s air-tight. There’s no other objective way to see it. It’s an ancient book of goofy outdated laws and sandy frontier justice… and the response is not usually anger, or violence, or a patient and well-thought out response. (You get those, but it’s the exception.) The response is generally “meh.”

    I don’t get it. How can it be “meh?” This is scandalous. It’s damning. It’s clear-cut. And the reply is just “meh?”

    I suppose the lesson here is that it’s not about what actually happened. It’s not about truth. It’s not about what would 100 times out of a 100 be in that book, and what would 100 times out of 100 NOT be in that book, and the way that you can look directly at it, and see that it’s not real. It’s not about facts, it’s not about science, it’s not about common sense, and it’s not about a god.

    It’s about us. It’s about what we need.

    No one wants truth.

    We didn’t even want it until it was more useful to us than God. (I’m not putting myself above you, believers. This is a human thing. Not an IQ test. Not a merit badge. I repeat ad nauseum. It’s important to me that everyone gets that. This is a sad, strange, human thing.)

    -John with an H.

  4. Or people aren’t responding because you don’t bother to respond to the responses to your tiny blog in this tiny corner of the webosphere (webiverse?). How can anyone care what you have to say when no one is listening? It’s quite sad, isn’t it? You must feel like Rev. Shaw Moore preaching to an empty room (or an empty daughter – but what are women good for anyway, am I right?). Here’s a funny thing: while waiting for your multiverse to arrive we can all have a little fun imagining that (since there are an infinite # of universes – the best way around any kind of prove-able creation) Aragorn is right now infinitely bowing to the hobbits in an infinite number of universes (that ALWAYS makes me cry, so now… infinitely – how sad) which is awesome for a few reasons:

    1. Now, in another universe there are dragons and elves. Badass.
    2. As stated above, if there is an infinite “multiverse” then RIGHT NOW Aragorn is kicking Orcan ass, infinitely… Badass.
    3. It’s all cool that Frodo has to go to the Grey Havens. He has an infinite number of chances NOT to go to the Grey Havens and to nail Rosie, an infinite number of times… Badass.
    4. Gandalf is infinitely a badass. Double Badass.

    This is what a multi-verse affords you. Enjoy it. It’s not only possible, it HAS to happen. I wish I had that kind of logic/belief system. My Christmases would be all Aragorn-badass-themed.

    Your loving (and apparently only) fan,

    PS – now I DARE you to respond, you narrow-minded absolutists. You who would shrink everyone’s world down to your tiny, material universe; I hope you close-minded, little men can back it up. (Apologies for the insults, but I didn’t get responses the last time so I figured I’d add some animosity. That ALWAYS draws attention.)

    • Growing up, I loved the X-Files. In particular, I was drawn to the now famous poster in Fox Mulder’s FBI hovel. It was a simple landscape with a giant UFO over the phrase “I want to believe”. Then, I was a christian who had great friends, exciting asexual dates with girls(!), immediate unearned respect of strangers and other adults (I live in the Bible belt), and a clear career path where I could devote my life to helping others. In many ways middle school and high school were a great deal less troublesome because of all the positive avenues for expression and community that my religion created for me. However, knowing the end of the story as you do, though I was held by the beneficial nature of the arrangement for a time, it was not enough. It so happens that very much desiring something to be true, does not improve the chances of that idea being true. I can’t tell you there aren’t hobbitses, though you seem to be able to reject the multi-verse as untenable despite how “bad-ass” it clearly is (and it is! Though somewhere in the multi-verse there’s a version of me that has invented a machine to visit Bag End and I am quite jealous of him/me.) I can’t tell you there is no god, but certainly would like to hear from others who can help to explain why the god that most accept is as strange, contradictory, and mean as the Bible suggests.
      My sincere apologies for not responding sooner, as I have quite enjoyed your posts. And, case in point, this angry, fist-shaking scream into an abyss where no one seems to hear you or answer your calls, struck me as…surprisingly polished. Have you had practice at that?


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